All I Ever Wanted

Part Nine: Choices

I open my eyes, and the first thing I see is a light so harsh I wince in reaction.

Memory rushes back to me like a river. Kai and I went on a mission to retrieve the sacred Keys. We met the ghost of Beruch, who tried to kill me. Incredibly, we convinced him of our noble intentions. We found the Keys, and freed the warrior who held them.

He even... forgave me.

I'd never dared to hope for forgiveness. Not from a warrior I'd bound in a petrification spell, whose partner I murdered.

I shake off the thought. The deeds were done, and I can't take them back. But now that I've dealt with the repercussions, and faced both master and apprentice, I can put the guilt to rest. It's like... a muscle I've been tightly flexing can finally relax.

It's an incredible feeling.

"Careful," a voice chides. "No sudden moves or you'll hurt yourself."

I turn toward the voice, and Leo's wide grin greets me.

"You're okay!" I smile in return. "So the Keys worked?"

He laughs. "That's the understatement of the year! The Keys gave my powers a super-charge, and it looks like a permanent upgrade." He raises his morpher, standing from his chair. "Wait 'til you get a load of the Red Armor..." His voice trails off, a calculating look on his face as he considers the delicate equipment of the Megaship's infirmary. "Uh... I'll show you later."

I resist the urge to laugh, knowing it would most likely hurt to do so. My fingers lightly trace my side, grazing soft bandages.

"You really saved our bacon," he continues. "By the time you and Kai got back, Magnetox had already drained everyone's powers, and flattened four blocks of the City Dome. It was close." His gaze meets mine, warm and unguarded. "Thank you."

The sincerity in his eyes only makes his gratitude more pronounced, warming my cheeks. I immediately wave it away. "You should thank Kai; he did all the work. I was unconscious half the time."

"That's not how he tells it."

I blink. "How does he tell it?"

Leo then nods toward the door. "Why don't you ask him?"

My eyes widen to see Kai standing in the doorjamb. His face is about as expressive as stone as he enters the infirmary, taking a meaningful glance at the wall clock.

"I've got seventeen minutes left in my break," he says. "Leo, would you mind...?"

"I'll make myself scarce," he promises, winding around my cot. With a quick wave, he disappears into the hallway.

Silence settles as Kai approaches me. He stops several feet from where I lie, his arms folded against his chest.

"A lot happened on that planet," he understates. "We need to talk about it."

I nod, carefully rising to sit on the cot. I don't know what Kai's about to say, but whatever it is, it'll be easier to deal with if he isn't towering over me.

I meet his eyes, noting how guarded and wary they are. This is difficult for him, but there's really nothing I can say to make it easier.

"I've never been good at beating around the bush, so let me get to the point. We are not friends."

I can't help a rueful grin. As if I had any doubt...

He notes my expression, and shrugs. "I just want to make sure you understand that. I mean, I'll admit that my opinion of you has... changed, but not by much."

I nod slowly.

"I'm not trying to be stubborn or unreasonable, and I don't want to hold a grudge," he resumes, "but at the same time, I need to be realistic. I can't just pretend you're not Astronema."

I open my mouth to protest, but he raises his hand, effectively interrupting my interruption. "I know you're different, now. I thought you were trying to pull the wool over our eyes at first, but now I know you've honestly changed since I saw you in Angel Grove. And I admit, part of me can even respect what you're trying to do. But still, no matter how good your intentions are, that doesn't just undo everything you once did. You're still responsible for the deaths of thousands of human beings, and that doesn't count all the people from other planets who died in the Countdown, and before. We're talking about millions of lives here. I won't forget that."

He pauses, and slowly, my gaze sinks to the floor, unable to meet his eyes any longer.

"But, on the other hand, I also can't ignore that you're different now. I'm... comfortable that you won't do those kinds of things again. If you still had evil tendencies, Kendrix never would've let you take her Saber. She decided you're capable of standing in as the Pink Ranger. I trust Kendrix enough to trust her judgment... even about you. And so far you've proven that you're an asset to this team. If you hadn't known about those Keys, I don't think we would've saved Terra Venture this time."

His hand rises, slowly kneading the bridge of his nose. "This... this doesn't sound nearly as coherent as it did in my head," he admits in a tired voice, and his exhaustion strikes me. How many hours has he contemplated this discussion? How long has he wrestled with his worries, trying to balance justice with mercy, trust with caution, gut instinct with reason?

"I'm sorry, Kai," I murmur helplessly. It's all I can say, though I know I've said it a hundred times before.

"I think we're beyond apologies," he responds. I finally raise my eyes, and note the determination in his deep brown gaze. "Okay, Karone, the bottom line is this: my first duty is to Terra Venture. As an officer on this ship, and as the Blue Ranger, I'm responsible for the people who live and work here. And my responsibility for the living has to come before my responsibility to the dead. I'm making a choice, right here, right now, to focus on protecting the living, instead of seeking justice for the dead."

He pauses, letting it sink in. "No matter how much it hurts to admit it, you're a good Ranger. You're good for this team. Your being here has helped us save thousands of lives. So... I won't fight it anymore. You're my teammate, and I accept it. And as my teammate, you deserve my respect. I'll... do my best to be civil to you. You can count on me to have your back whenever Trakeena tries something. And I always give 100% when Terra Venture is at risk."

He closes the gap between us. "Does this seem reasonable to you?"

I consider his words carefully. Never have I heard a relationship put into words quite like that, but I do understand the challenge he struggles with. His sense of justice is so strong, and unlike the Space Rangers and even the other Galaxy Rangers, he refuses to take my transformation at face value.

Honestly, I appreciate his point of view. When he isn't screaming in my face... Kai makes a lot of sense.

"Yes, it does," I finally respond. "We can make this team work, Kai."

His severe expression softens somewhat, and he offers me his hand. "Then, let me be the... well, last... to welcome you to the team, Karone."

I shake his hand, and in doing so it feels like we've just made a pact.

"So, now that's all cleared up, I can get back to my station." And then, with an impersonal nod, Kai briskly walks out of the infirmary.

I continue staring at the exit long after the sliding doors have closed. As I consider the progress I just made, both with Beruch and with Kai, I can't suppress the excitement that brightens my face. This is what it feels like, to feel true accomplishment!

Energized, I climb off the medical cot. I'm halfway to the door when a voice calls out to me. "Karone! You're awake!"

I turn and smile at Alpha. "Yes, and I'm feeling pretty well, all things considered."

He giggles with relief. "I'm so glad to hear it! While you were out, you got an urgent message."

My smile slowly falls. "A message? Who would think to contact me on Terra Venture?"

"Actually, it was routed to the Megaship from KO 35. It's from Zhane."

It feels like my heart stops dead in my chest. Suddenly, all the niggling guilt I've felt for leaving Earth without a word crashes into me like a tidal wave. It's been almost two weeks since I left Earth! I can't believe I've put this off for so long...

"He requests that you contact him as soon as it's convenient for you," Alpha adds helpfully.

I wince. Alpha didn't add the sarcastic drone to the words that I'm certain Zhane inflected. He's angry. And he has every right to be.

"Did you talk to him yourself, Alpha?"

"Yes; I spoke to him about an hour ago." Alpha places his small hand on my arm. "He's scared for you, Karone. I told him that you're here, and that you're safe."

I sigh with relief that Alpha had the foresight to bend the truth. I'm sure telling Zhane that I'd nearly been killed by a vengeful ghost is not the way to convince him that I belong out here.

But I do; there's not a doubt in my mind now. This is where I'm supposed to be: here on Terra Venture, serving as the Pink Ranger.

If only I can make him understand that...

"Thanks Alpha," I murmur with a smile. "I'll call him back. Now."

There's no point in postponing this any longer.

* * *

She's on Terra Venture.

Alpha told me the story just over an hour ago, and I still can't wrap my mind around it.

She's on Terra Venture... the Earth colony that left to seek a new world and never return.

I can't believe it. I just... can't. It's not like I wasn't involved with the work to get Terra Venture off the ground; frankly, without Kerovan technology Earth would never have been able to put together a ship for interstellar travel in such a short period of time. With all those months of collaborative effort, Karone never expressed the slightest interest in joining the crew.

I thought she'd wanted to stay. Stay on Earth, stay with me. She could've told me she wasn't happy on Earth. We could've figured something out.

She didn't have to just vanish into thin air.

At first, I'd panicked. Maybe it's Andros' paranoia rubbing off on me, but the first thought to cross my mind was 'Karone's been kidnapped!' I mean, it's not unprecedented, and I'm sure she's got enemies lingering somewhere in the universe. How else could I explain her sudden disappearance? I called her as soon as I arrived in Switzerland. I didn't start to worry until a full day had passed, and I never got a call back.

That's when I made a few more calls, and NASADA told me they'd sent another Kerovan ship into space the same day I'd left Angel Grove.

It hit me harder than Specter's goons ever did. She left the planet -- the solar system -- without even telling me. What... did she think I wouldn't notice? That I could just stroll back into our apartment and keep on living as if she'd never existed?

How the hell can anyone do this to someone they love?

I cut my trip short so I could focus on tracking her down, but the moment I stepped into that empty apartment, I just knew I couldn't stay. It was too empty. Too quiet. It felt like a tomb.

I couldn't stay on Earth. Everyone I cared about was off-planet. Without Andros and Karone, Earth is just another planet. Not a home.

I thought I'd find some comfort on KO 35. But even now, as I stand at a window overlooking the half-restored capitol city, I hardly feel anything. I was born in this city, and I lived here until the day I "died"... but it's no longer home, either.

Everything that made it home is gone. Am I doomed to feel isolated for the rest of my life?

"Zhane. So you have returned."

I turn around, bowing deeply to the leader of KO 35.

"Stand up," Kinwon insists, waving his hand. "There's no need for protocol for one of KO 35's greatest heroes."

I straighten as Kinwon grasps my hands in a more personal greeting. "You're looking well, Sir. It's good to see you again."

"I'm glad you've come home, Zhane." He stands beside me, looking out at the expansive vista of the city with pride shining in his eyes. "We've made a lot of progress since you left for Earth, son. But we'd be glad to have you join us again. The Silver morpher still waits for you."

I wince guiltily. Every time I cross paths with Kinwon, he brings up my service as the Silver Ranger. He just can't disassociate me from that uniform, even after all the work I've done without it. I'd given him the morpher so he could find someone else... but he insisted that, as he once put it: "You are the Silver Ranger, Zhane. I can't just hand your morpher to someone else."

I admit it's kind of flattering that he thinks I'm irreplaceable. I guess my time with the rebels of Sentar B made quite an impression. But... that part of my life is finally over. And I honestly don't miss it one bit.

"I'm sorry, Sir, but I'm not here to stay."

He glances at me, nodding his head. "I understand; the work you do on Earth as our representative is also important. So, what brings you to KO 35, then? Has something happened?"

I find myself staring at the polished wood floor, more embarrassed than I've ever been in my life. Funny... when I came out here, pushing the engines on the Flyer to their maximum, 'I'm tracking down my runaway girlfriend' seemed like a perfectly rational explanation. "I needed to use long-range scanning and communication systems, and it was just easier to come here than make due with what I have on Earth."

Then, a sudden beeping steals my attention, making me whirl around. On the main long-range communicator propped against the wall, a flashing message with my code is clearly visible.

Finally.

My heart drums restlessly in my chest, and I turn to meet Kinwon's gaze.

My impatience must be obvious; before I can even come up with a polite way to ask the leader of all KO 35 to scram, he smiles at me. "I hope you find what you're looking for." He then glances at the chronometer on the wall. "I have a conference to attend in Parnis, but I hope I'll have the chance to speak to you more before you leave. Perhaps if you're still on-planet, we can share a meal when I return?"

Frankly, I can't think that far ahead. All I know is, I have to answer that communicator. Of course, it would be rude to reject the invitation, and the past year of diplomatic work has taught me at least a little tact. "I'll do my best."

He then squeezes my shoulder. "And if you need my help with anything, Zhane, don't hesitate to ask."

I nod, smiling with true appreciation at the offer, and watch as Kinwon leaves. Then, I jump to the communicator, stamping my access code into the keyboard with much more force than necessary.

The flashing screen slowly reshapes, revealing the pale, freckled, beautiful face I honestly feared I'd never see again.

Some of my anger eases just at seeing her face... but not all of it.

"Nice to know you're still alive."

She blinks, and the tentative smile on her lips fails. But it's hard to feel bad for her after the hell I've been going through the past eleven days.

^I'm sorry I worried you,^ she answers softly.

"You know, it'd be a lot easier for me to believe that if you had contacted me," I grumble. I watch her blue gaze drop to her lap, steeling myself against a twinge of guilt for purposely hurting her. But isn't that what she did to me? Don't I have the right to be upset about this?

Heavy silence fills the space between us before she speaks again. ^I should've contacted you sooner, but things have been hectic since I arrived on Terra Venture.^

I never thought I'd come to hate the sound of those two words. "And why are you on Terra Venture, Karone? I mean, you remember what their mission is, right? This isn't a little sight-seeing tour they're on; they're boldly going where no Earthling or Kerovan has gone before!"

Her eyes lock with mine despite the billions of miles separating us. Then, she slowly lifts her wrist, and my heart stops.

It's a morpher.

Dammit, I should've known! I was there when Cassie told her that Psycho Pink banished the Pink Galaxy Ranger to another dimension! I should've known she'd take responsibility!

I should've seen this coming, and I feel like smacking myself for missing something so obvious.

But this explanation doesn't make it hurt less. In fact, my stunned mind slowly works through whole new implications, even more complex than what I initially suspected. She didn't leave me because of boredom. Or a fear of commitment. Or even a threat from her past resurfacing. Those are issues we could've worked through and resolved. But this... this is so much bigger. Karone is an active Ranger. And I know from experience; that means everything else... everything else... is secondary.

A weird combination of anger and ironic amusement twists my gut. It's like; some kind of perverse joke fate is playing with me. I'm finally free of that responsibility, free of the weight of the universe, ready to move on, eager to live my life as I want to... and what happens? I lose the person I wanted to live that life with!

This new information just feels too heavy for me. I lean into the back of my chair, trying to absorb the impact of this revelation. "You're not coming back, are you?"

Silence answers me, so long and oppressive I can hear the background drone of the communications relay. ^When my mission is complete; yes. But not before.^

I grimace. "What's that supposed to mean?"

She lowers her eyes again. ^I'm here until Kendrix returns. They need me here, Zhane.^

I need her too, but my jaw clenches before the words thoughtlessly tumble from my mouth. An answer like that is childish and selfish, and once upon a time, I remember a similar duty putting my personal life on hold when KO 35 first came under attack.

It was an honor, at first, to be selected to wear the Silver morpher. I felt like something of a celebrity, and hey, who doesn't enjoy that? And most importantly, I was given the opportunity to defend my planet, protect my family, and support my best friend when he needed me the most.

Oh, but I paid for it. I experienced the unique horror of serving as the final line of defense for an entire planet... and failing. I saw friends die because I wasn't fast enough, or strong enough, or smart enough to see the sneak attack coming. And I lost two years... two years... in a block of ice. I woke up one day, and learned that KO 35 ultimately fell. That my relatives had died, or were missing, along with over half the population. The true scope of my failure.

"Do you have any idea what you've gotten yourself into?"

Surprise widens her eyes. ^What?^

My hands run through my hair, as if I could physically pull the right words out of my head. "Becoming a Ranger, taking on this responsibility... are you sure you know what you're doing?"

She frowns at me. ^Of course I do. I'm saving lives out here, Zhane. I'm doing my part to stop another Queen of Evil from crushing everything and everyone that stands in her way. Without a Pink Ranger to complete the team, Terra Venture hasn't got a chance of surviving.^

I sigh softly. "Look, I can understand you feel bad Terra Venture has run into some trouble, but it's a self-sufficient space colony with its own defensive capabilities. And on top of that, among its thousands of residents there must be someone who can serve as the Pink Ranger. What does any of this have to do with you?"

^Trakeena used my Psycho Rangers-^

"They're not your Psycho Rangers!" I snap at her, the last thread of my patience snapping. "Karone, Dark Specter screwed up your mind! The Psychos were never your fault! You can't carry around this guilt forever!"

She bows her head just a little, closing her eyes. ^Zhane, let's not have this argument again. We never get anywhere.^

I bite down another snarl, folding my arms. She's right about that; ever since the Countdown we've been at odds over her responsibility for Astronema's less-than-honorable actions. Andros and I have been telling her for a year that she is completely innocent... that she was a young girl misled, brainwashed, and ultimately programmed with cybernetic implants... but we've never been able to convince her.

^Psycho Pink aside, this really is my fight now,^ Karone resumes, her gaze firm and implacable. ^Kendrix asked me to take the Saber. She passed on the Power to me. She... she knew who I was, and even still she found me worthy. Acceptable. No one ever did that before.^

I grimace. "That's not true. Andros, the Space Rangers, me... we all accept you. We all love you."

She shakes her head, causing blonde hair to flutter over her shoulders. ^It's not the same, and you know it. Andros is my brother. He couldn't give up on me. And Ashley and the others, they gave me the benefit of the doubt for Andros' sake. I know they genuinely care for me, but still... if I weren't their friend's sister, I wouldn't have gotten the chance.^

"And me? I loved you before I knew your identity!"

She glances away from me, and I enjoy this small victory. Perhaps it wasn't as easy for her to leave as I thought it was. ^You love me, but you don't trust me.^

"Excuse me?" I snarl, smarting from the fresh wound she's added to my collection. "Well... you did leave me, after all! Maybe I shouldn't have trusted you to begin with!"

^Zhane, you don't trust me. You don't think I'm capable of living my life, or making decisions, without your guidance. You've just proven it! I tell you I'm a Power Ranger, and how do you react? Not with pride or advice... you immediately assume I haven't thought it through. That I took this morpher on some crazy whim. That I'm in way over my head. Right?^

I open my mouth to deny it, but I can't. She's staring at me, eyebrow quirked in a manner that just screams "I'm right and you know it," and what am I supposed to say?

I take a deep breath, and slump back into my chair.

Karone takes my silence as grudging agreement, and finishes her point. ^Kendrix trusted me with something truly monumental: her mission, her most valued possession, and even the lives of all her friends. And I swore to her that I'd serve in her stead. That's not something I take lightly, Zhane. It would be a betrayal of her confidence in me to hand the responsibility to someone else.^

"If Kendrix knew what she was asking you to give up, she'd release you from your vow," I argue, keeping my voice calm with more than a little effort. "Seriously, did you think about this at all? What if Kendrix doesn't come back? The gods only know how many pocket dimensions are out there! You might be the permanent replacement. And then what? My service lasted over three years, two of which I was cryogenically frozen! I was only released when we took down the entire gods-damned U.A.E.! And many Rangers don't live long enough to retire their morphers! Terra Venture's in a worse boat than most: out in the depths of space, far from any of the planets who might give aid, facing a relentless bug-queen powerful enough to reanimate the Psychos. There's..." I swallow a lump that suddenly seizes my throat, "there's a good chance you'll never get home."

Maybe it's my imagination, but I think I hear a soft sniffle through the interstellar channel. ^I know, Zhane. And I really am sorry for hurting you...^

I can't contain a bitter laugh at that feeble apology. It's just so hard to believe her, when I think about all the choices she made that brought us to this soul-crushing moment.

"You know what hurts the most?" I mutter, "That you could just up and leave the planet, and take on this enormous responsibility that irrevocably changes both our lives, without my input, or even knowledge. You just ran away, Karone!"

She flinches at my accusation. ^It wasn't like that, Zhane. When I left Earth, I assumed I'd be back in a few days. I'd only planned on rescuing the Quasar Saber, and returning it to the Galaxy Rangers. Believe me... I wasn't looking for this responsibility. If I had known what was going to happen, I wouldn't have just left without a word.^

That soft sniffling sound returns, and she runs her fingers through her hair in a rare display of anxiety. ^But Kendrix asked me to carry on for her... and I couldn't refuse her. This is my chance, Zhane; my chance to do something good. Something I can be proud of. It was my choice to stay here, and I'm glad I did. Working with these Rangers, using my skills and knowledge to help rather than to hurt... I can't even describe how good it feels to know I'm making a difference here.^

Her hand moves to her wrist, tracing the edges of the morpher. ^I'm the Pink Galaxy Ranger, Zhane. And I will remain so until Kendrix returns, Trakeena and her forces are defeated once and for all, or until I die.^

So... that's it.

She stares at me with such conviction, I immediately feel foolish. Selfish. Conflicted.

Dammit, I don't know what to think! When I got here, I was so sure I was justified in my anger, but now... I don't know. I'm angry, frustrated, embarrassed, lonely... and hurt. I can't help it... it hurts to know that I'm not her priority. Call me immature, or a hopeless romantic, or whatever; but I've seen people do some crazy things for love. Andros left KO 35 for Ashley, and if Karone and I didn't follow him, he would've left us behind as well. Hell... I nursed Astronema back to health, disregarding the fact that she could blast my head off when she woke up, rather than take her to a detention center.

Remembering that day makes the loneliness more pronounced. Back then, my infatuation was hopeless... what chance could a Power Ranger and the Princess of Evil have of making a relationship work? But everything just worked out for us. For a while, at least.

I'm not so confident now. I can see her so clearly I can make out the individual strands of her hair, but she's billions of miles away. She's never been further away. And as Terra Venture continues its journey, the distance will only grow.

I fix my stare on the Pink morpher. I can't bring myself to look at her again, her face resolute, so confident that she made the right decision. No second thoughts... none at all.

Is she really okay with this? And... where does it leave us??

I can't bring myself to ask.

"I've... got to go," I mutter, shaking my head. I need to think. Get my head together. Process all this...

I don't wait for a response before I terminate the connection.

* * *

I watch his tormented face dissolve into a million tiny pixels, too stunned to do anything other than stare, and breathe.

A moment later, I feel moisture track down my cheek.

It's an odd sensation. It's not that I haven't cried before; in fact, since my "resurrection" I've shed quite a few tears. Tears of remorse, tears of anguish, and sometimes tears resulting from physical pain. But this... this is fundamentally different. It feels like there's a hole inside of me.

I knew that Zhane wasn't going to take the news well. I've dreaded this conversation for over a week, as I realized with dawning sadness how much I sacrificed for this Saber. For this mission. For Kendrix, as well as for myself.

I almost wish he'd exploded at me. At least if he'd been outraged or unreasonable, I could bring myself to be angry with him. Instead... all I feel is gnawing guilt for putting him through this. I feel like I've betrayed him. And the anguished look in his eyes made it clear that's how he feels.

But I made the right decision by coming here, and nothing he can say will make me abandon Terra Venture. Not after all the progress I've made here. I'm part of this team now, and I will fulfill my promise to Kendrix.

So far, I've made the choices. I left Earth without telling him. I accepted the Quasar Saber. I became a Power Ranger.

Now, Zhane has a choice to make: whether he can accept my decision... or not.