All I Ever Wanted

Part Six: Open Wounds

Considering how small a vessel the Megaship is, it astonishes me how efficiently five people can stay out of each other's way.

Leo has commandeered the bridge, working with Mike to lay out a tactical plan in case Trakeena does beat us to Terra Venture. It's good of Mike to give him this distraction... without it, I think he'd go stir-crazy.

Damon has chosen to camp out in the Megaship's engine room. The technology in that room fascinates him, and he finds his refuge surrounded by pounding, clanking, churning machines. He once told me that he was in fact more comfortable with machines than people; that machines were less complicated. I never understood his reasoning... until now.

Kai has locked himself in the Simudeck. I haven't seen him leave a single time during the three days we've been traveling from Guinit. Whenever I pass, I hear the sounds of combat, but he never lets me enter. I know he's angry with me. He's angry at the universe, all because of Karone.

As for our new teammate, I haven't seen her much either, though at least she hasn't completely confined herself to her quarters. She emerges for the occasional meal, and twice I've seen her pass in the hallway towards the bridge. She acknowledges me with a hollow smile, a polite wave, or a lukewarm greeting. That's all.

What have I been up to? I've spent the past three days playing nursemaid, trying to offer comfort or a listening ear to each of my friends. It was a role played by Kendrix, and now it has fallen to me. I try to be as supportive and insightful as she would have been. She always knew when to talk, and when to listen. I wish she were here now, guiding my steps as I walk down this sterile hallway.

Finally, I reach my destination. A brief knock against the cold metal of the door makes my presence known.

"Come in."

The door slides open, and I step into the gray room. The bed is neatly made, with colorless sheets folded neatly and blending seamlessly into the featureless walls. The only sign of color is Karone herself, standing beside the porthole, holding the Pink Saber at arm's length.

I can't contain my curiosity. "What are you doing?"

Her eyes glance to me before returning to the sword. "You Rangers really don't know what you have here," she comments, drawing the Saber closer. "I've heard legends of these Sabers since childhood." A faint smile brightens her thoughtful face. "Standing here, holding this Saber of legend is just..."

She visibly struggles for the right word, so I offer one of my own. "Humbling?"

She glances at me again. "Yes, it is."

A silence falls between us again, and I feel the awkwardness rise. Determined to make some connection with my new teammate, I reflect upon the flood of emotion I felt the first time I held the Yellow Quasar Saber. "Our village elder used to entertain the children with tales of the Power Rangers. They were like gods in the stories, wielding the power of nature, defending the people with no thought of reward. When I was young, my friends and I would try to pull the Sabers from the stone almost daily. Each time I approached the sacred stone, I could feel that incredible power..."

I pause as I feel Karone's stare on me. "You're from Mirinoi then?"

"Yes."

She nods. "That explains it."

"Explains what?"

"What you're doing here."

I frown my confusion. "I don't understand."

"You're from Mirinoi, and therefore, you're not from Earth," she explains. "You didn't experience the Countdown. You don't know what I was."

I shake my head. "I know you were Astronema, the Princess of Evil. I know you were kidnapped as a child, and raised as a warrior for evil. I know you discovered your true past, and turned your back on your title and station. And I know Dark Specter took you prisoner, and forced you to serve him again."

Her eyes are wide with surprise as she stares at me. I offer my most encouraging smile as I approach her.

"I know the Countdown was a horrible experience for Earth... but you are not to blame."

She shakes her head, folding her arms tightly. "I know you're trying to help, but you just don't understand. It's so easy to say that it's not my fault. You weren't there when I commanded my armies to enslave the populations of three peace-loving planets, and wipe out anyone who tried to stop me. You don't know what it's like to so nearly lose your home... and to face the monster that caused such chaos... I'm not surprised the other Rangers want nothing to do with me."

I consider her argument, my mind drifting back to my last day on Mirinoi. She's wrong to assume I'm unfamiliar with wrenching loss; the sight of Furio killing my entire planet still plagues my nightmares. But I've already seen justice served... what would I have felt if Furio had tried to ally himself with us? Would I have been able to see passed his evil acts, and discern a genuinely repentant soul?

Probably not.

But that doesn't mean Karone is doomed to suffer the scorn of my friends for her entire stay with us. "You said Kendrix asked you to serve in her stead," I remind her. "That means she has forgiven you for the Countdown, and anything else Astronema has done. Kendrix is an Earthling, and she has the heart to forgive."

I approach her again, wrapping my arm around her shoulders. "Trust me, Karone, the other Rangers will come around. This has been a difficult mission, and I'm sure it's the thought of replacing Kendrix that's bothering the others; it has nothing to do with you personally."

I wait for her to respond, expecting her to pull away from me. But instead, she smiles.

"Thank you, Maya. I'll keep that in mind."

I'm overjoyed to see her smile, to see that cool gaze grow warm.

* * *

An hour ago, I was completely convinced that I would serve my term as the Pink Ranger as if it were a sentence. I would put life and limb on the line, and get nothing in return.

I didn't think it was possible to receive the gift of friendship.

I remember the first day I was Karone again, when Andros brought me onboard the Megaship. I walked these very halls, my heart in my throat despite my calm demeanor, as I waited for the Space Rangers to pounce on me, hurl me in the brig, and throw away the key.

They were reluctant at first, but they gave me the benefit of the doubt. Then, on Yotoba, I proved my intentions to them by saving them from Dark Specter's trap. When I returned to the Megaship, they welcomed me as their friend.

I could never describe how overcome I was that they reached out to me, despite the blood on my hands. And after the Countdown, I never thought anyone else could care for me if they knew what I was... what I had done.

Maya's welcome was inspiring, and her words rang with simple wisdom. Perhaps she's right... perhaps these Rangers could see past the grim reputation of Astronema. Perhaps I should give them the benefit of the doubt, and consider that perhaps they are still in mourning.

I decide to start with the one whose rejection shook me the most.

I come to a stop outside the sliding doors of the Simudeck.

Even through the thick metal doors, I can hear the sounds of battle. Sprays of laser fire, grunts of exertion, and thuds created by the collision of solid objects.

I slide the control panel open, and type in the emergency deactivation code Andros demonstrated back when we lived on the Megaship.

I smile as the light turns green, and the doors slide open, revealing a balmy jungle with gargantuan trees that block the sun. The creeping shadows and swaying leaves are perfectly still, on pause until I allow the program to resume.

The Blue Ranger stands in the clearing, just inches from a wolf beast suspended in mid-air. It had been leaping to attack him from the trees above.

"What do you want?"

The venom in his tone surprises me. I wasn't prepared for such intense, and obvious, animosity. But I won't back down now. I need to understand Kai Chen, if I can ever hope to fight by his side. "I'd like to talk to you."

His back is still facing me. "It's not a good time."

"Is it ever?" I challenge.

He's silent for a moment, until he delivers a sharp response. "No. It isn't."

I try a different approach. I appeal to his sense of duty. "Like it or not, we're teammates, Kai. Kendrix entrusted the Saber to my care, as well as the lives of her friends. I won't fail her by letting a little bad blood tear the team apart, and put Terra Venture and everyone on it in greater danger."

Something of what I said reaches the Blue Ranger, for he releases a deep breath that almost sounds like surrender. He turns in my direction, folding his arms contemptuously. "Computer, end program."

The steaming jungle and violent monsters vanish, leaving us alone in the surreal black and green tiles of the Simudeck.

"Talk."

Closing my eyes to force myself into focus, I refer to the speech I'd crafted during the numbing isolation I've experienced since I boarded the Megaship. "First, I want to assure you that this is temporary. Kendrix will come back. But in the meantime, someone must guard the Quasar Saber, and complete the Power Ranger team, so Terra Venture can continue her journey safely."

I can feel his stare on me, burning with wrath. "Spoken like a true hero," he spits mockingly, "Well guess what? I don't care what color you wear, or what color your hair is. You are still a cold-blooded murderer. You can hide it from the others, but not from me."

I can't respond. I stay silent, staring at the rigid Blue Ranger with new eyes. Before, I couldn't understand his need to stay clear of me, but now it makes sense. He was restraining himself. He didn't want me to know.

Now, I know. "You were there."

He knows exactly what I mean, and he doesn't pretend otherwise. "Yes."

His voice softens as both our thoughts are thrown back to that horrible day. The day of the Countdown.

"I was attending Angel Grove University," he relates. "The Quantrons just fell from the sky like swarms of locusts. Lasers rained from small ships, setting everything on fire. Nothing and no one was spared. Buildings, cars, trees, people... it didn't matter. I was in an astrophysics class when the explosions shook the building. We... were evacuated by campus police, but so many people didn't make it in time."

His fists clench furiously as he relives the anguish. "Three hundred-eleven people were killed when the building toppled. Professors, administrators, students just beginning their lives... all wiped out in the blink of an eye."

I stare in tongue-tied horror, watching the play of emotions on his face. Anger, bitterness, regret, sorrow... helplessness.

He had been helpless that day, unable to save the people around him.

"The area was decimated, so we were forced to clear the area while rescue workers did what they could. I wound up further downtown. I saw you there, standing on top of that office building, demanding the Rangers' lives."

His eyes narrow as he glares directly into my eyes. "I heard you threaten to blow up the whole planet. And you would have, too... if the Space Rangers didn't take you down!"

A sickly silence falls, and I have nothing to fill it. What can I say to a man that nearly died because of me? What can I offer a man who must be haunted by the faces of his lost friends?

He then shatters the quiet, as his anger replenishes itself, filling that empty void of suffering. He marches toward me, and gods help me, I can barely move. His costume vanishes in a bright blue flash, letting his bloodshot eyes burn a hole in my soul.

"I watched three hundred-eleven people die, Astronema." His voice is a soft growl as he hovers just inches from me. "That's only the people in one building. Millions more died, because of you! Where's their justice, Astronema?? Who will pay for the blood of all those innocent people??"

My throat is dry, and my knees are locked. "Kai, I'm-"

He releases a short, empty laugh. "You're what? 'Sorry'? 'Sorry' won't bring a single person back!"

I feel the heat of his breath on my face as he screams. I see the manic glint in his eye as he tries to burn me alive with his glare. I feel his rage, boiling and furious, desperate for appeasement.

And I force myself to face the living embodiment of all my guilt. I've committed atrocities in my life, but I do not believe I am beyond redemption! "Neither will jail time, Kai, and neither will capital punishment. I wish I could do something... anything to bring back the lives I took. But I can't. I can't!"

I step back from him, pulling my fingers through my hair as I recall the arguments I had with both Andros and Zhane, when the despair over the Countdown left me stricken and nearly suicidal. I draw on all the comforts they offered me... the reassurances that I am a decent person in my heart of hearts. "Rotting in jail serves nothing. I am no longer a threat: Zordon's power freed me from the Darkness. And if I were executed, my blood will not bring back a single lost life. The dead remain dead.

"All I can do is make amends the only way I know how. As the Pink Ranger, I'm putting my life on the line for Terra Venture, and maybe by putting my life to good use, I can honor those I've killed in some small way."

"That's not good enough!" he stubbornly insists. "If you become the Pink Ranger, you think you wash your hands clean, don't you? You'll become a hero, celebrated by the same people you tried to exterminate! First you hide behind this new face, and now you tarnish the legacy of the Pink Ranger! The Queen of Evil is no Power Ranger!"

"You know what, Kai? I agree with you! When I went to Onyx, I only intended to save the Saber and deliver it to you. When Kendrix came to me, I told her that I'm not worthy... I'm not even close to being worthy to carry on as the Pink Ranger. But she saw me differently, and so did the Saber. I don't know what it is they see in me, but this is an opportunity for me to do something good with my life!"

"It's not enough!" he hollers. And I see the desperation in his eyes, the tension in his body. I can't reason with him. It's impossible.

I resign myself to reality: Kai Chen will not bow to words. He needs release. "Then what will be enough, Kai??" I demand. I intentionally lean closer, screaming into his face. "You want vengeance??"

He sputters, but doesn't deny it.

"Fine then! Avenge yourself! Go ahead, Power Ranger... the Queen of Evil is standing right in front of you!" I brazenly thump my chest. "You were helpless as she destroyed your way of life! You watched as she murdered your frien-"

His fist crashes into my face, silencing my taunt. The world flips over as I hit the cold Simudeck floor.

* * *

I hear the shockingly satisfying crunch as my fist flies into that mocking mouth.

I see her hair fly as her neck jerks back, and then her entire body collapses with a resounding thud.

She's on the floor, slowly sitting up. And then she turns to me. "Feel better now?"

I don't know what to do. I can't speak. There's no anger in her eyes; no derision. Her eyes are cool and accepting, as if she understands me.

"The Queen of Evil is already dead, Kai," she murmurs, her words vaguely muffled as she presses her hand to her lip. "All that remains is what you see in front of you."

She drops her hand as she stands up, and I see the damage I've done. Her lip is swollen and split; blood drips down her chin, thick and as red as my own.

I snap out of my rage, and I realize I can't look at her anymore. My bloodstained... bloodstained!!... fist pounds the communicator panel. "Alpha! Get to the Simudeck now. Bring a dermal regenerator."

^Are you okay, Kai?^

"Just hurry up," I snap, pulling away from the transmit button.

I still can't look at her. We stand in silence until the doors part, letting Alpha scurry in with the medical equipment.

"Karone!" he squeals. "What happened?"

"It's nothing Alpha," she says, and her voice sounds like she means it.

I can't take it. I just leave. I walk out, without a word of goodbye or even a glance at either of them.

This is not happening!

I can't deny I wanted this. I wanted to hit her, I wanted her to feel pain. I... wanted her to feel the pain of every single person that died in the Countdown.

She knew it, too.

I wanted to break that mask... I wanted to shatter the image of the freckled teenager who lost her childhood. I wanted to unveil the beast beneath the beauty, the loathsome Queen of Evil that lingered behind those sorrowful eyes.

I half expected my fist to hit a wall of energy as the mask faded and collapsed... but I hit flesh. I hit flesh, and I drew blood.

I can't describe how unnerving it is to see her blood on my knuckles. Her blood is as red as mine. She's as human as I am. She's not just a soulless, wicked monster. She bleeds, she feels, she lives and dreams. She's a human being.

As human as I am.